Learning when to hang in there and be the 'rock' and when to just stay afloat and when to cut ties and when to fire back has been the toughest lesson to date.
Learning when to hang in there and be the ‘rock‘ and when to just stay afloat and when to cut ties and when to fire back has been the toughest lesson to date.
I do my very best to see the best in people- to encourage, to embrace and to speak life over the ones I love. Even when I see their faults or I should say, especially when I see their weaknesses I use that to better understand their choices and remind them of their strengths. I have been doing that for as long as I can remember, and I feel, it is exhausting. It is overkill. It is not healthy for me. Some people need distance, and that is okay. And I have to be okay with letting that be. I am learning when to be there for them, when to feel empathy, when to walk away and when to fight back.
I, like you, have had people in my life that have utterly disappointed and left me wondering how one can keep up appearances yet get so deep into a hole they are unrecognizable. No warning. Just one day, the person you knew is just gone. Your life is forever changed. You are left to mourn the world you knew. A part of you feels lost on how to go on. That one person that knows you even better than you know yourself. That one person that sees every piece of you and loves you more everyday. Where did they go? Why did they go? It is numbing to know the future is going to look so different with them not in it. Another part of you wishes they were gone, but they are still here. I have buried loved ones, and I have come to the conclusion that it brings me a much deeper sadness to bury relationships with people who are still living. I can at least fantasize about how the future would or could have looked different with loved ones that have passed. But now, I am just reminded of the agonizing truth.
The hardest is to grieve a loved one who is still alive that is the greatest loss.
Letter to my beloved:
If we were talking, I would send you the funniest meme I saw today. If we were hanging out, I would tell you, I’ve missed you. If we were sitting on the couch, I would lay my head on your shoulder and not have to say a word. If we were together, I would tell you I miss your hugs. Sometimes when I think about what you did, it takes me days to get over. I know my mind knows, but each time comes to mind, it is like the first time my heart is hearing it. It breaks me all over again. I know you wonder why I cannot seem to forgive. I know you want me to answer a text, call or reply to a comment, but I have to be courageous. I have to take care of me. And the baffling part is that you used to be your role. I am using this time to re-build. I hope you can look back and understand one day.
It is very difficult to wave the white flag, to surrender. Surrendering to what we cannot change? The idea of surrendering feels a lot like defeat, but what I am discovering is in some cases it can be very brave. There is a mindset of understanding how to let people have space to help themselves. I do not have to run to clean up their messes. There is a pause I am trying to instill in myself to not “run and want to fix”, but let people deal with it on their own a bit. Being a wife, mom and business owner requires more hours than allotted in a day, and I am learning when to be a ‘rock’ and when being solid does not mean having it together. This is a foreign concept still. It does not come naturally. Letting go what you cannot change is brave.
I was recently asked, what happens if you do not have it together, what will happen? Your answer may be different than mine, but for me, I do not think it will change the circumstances, but I do think it must feel better than bottling it inside. I do not know how I will feel letting myself feel and deal, but I am ready to give it a try.
Ever had what you have always cherished been tainted with terrible new findings that changed everything? Have you ever experienced a season that stifles your dreams of the future because the rubble that has fallen on you feels so suffocating? This is when I have to cut ties, at least for awhile. I need to heal separately, on my own. Life is too short to fill it with people who break your heart and soul.
Everyone is walking around with their own stories, their own burdens. As for me, the hurt piles and the anger piles higher. I do best when I have time to simmer down. You do not want to push or confront me when I am trying to overcome the hurt you caused me. I will spew words that will hurt you to your core. Words are my blessing and my curse. I say what needs to be said, and you may not be ready to hear what I have to say. When I aim, I shoot (or spew) to kill.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. How do you deal with betrayal, people who mistreat you, people who break you? The question is not if you have been betrayed; it is when you are, how will you react? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!