RBF is my shield. I feel everything so deeply, I often wonder if I was meant for this world. If the world would know what to do with me if I poured out my emotions as I feel them.
As someone who has been accused of having RBF over and over again, it’s safe to say it’s true. I do. My typical response is, “it’s just how my face looks.” Which also is factual, it is. But this condition combined with shyness/awkwardness, is enough for many to mistake me for just being an actual b****. I am not mad, upset, or hurt by this. I completely understand that perspective, it’s actually a relief. However, I do want to share my side of things.
When I’m sad , I feel physical pain in my heart. I crumble to the floor paralyzed aside from gasping breaths between sobs.
When I’m happy, I squeal and jump for joy feeling as if my bodily existence may explode leaving behind only glitter and gold and an unimaginably joyous spirit.
When I’m depressed, I feel nothing so deeply, it feels like everything. Like an unending void of darkness. I still tear up thinking back to a time in a bar when I couldn’t hold back tears because other people were chatting and giggling, and I for the life of me could not fathom how people could feel happiness in this cruel world.
When I love, I love with every fragment of my being. A fierceness that would make a hungry lion seem meek. I love without reserve. While I know the end result could crush me, there is no option.
I feel all of these, all of the time. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once. It’s overwhelming and terrifying, and the reason few have ever seen this side of me. Its challenging knowing that most don’t understand the essence of who I am, but its debilitating thinking of what would happen if they did.
So, next time you see someone with RBF, consider for a moment, they may not be cold and/or heartless. It may be the just the opposite; the one thing holding their pieces together.