A dark room dimly lit by candles, flickering orange and red hews as the flames dance to the music that creeps into our souls, making us one with it. The 3 of us comfortably cram into the couch, more than happy to be together. Silent moments filled with connectedness. Immense pleasure. My friend reaches into his pocket, emerging with a little clear baggie and a key. Passing it to me. I pop open the seal as the glistening silver key plunges into the white abyss. Surfacing with a mountain of emotional worth. Key still in hand, my mind drifts. Mindless subjects fill the void. With genuine interest and intrigue, we could talk about how denim jackets are it or how the clouds make the sky. With a steady hand, I raise the key to my nose and snort. White crystals spiral through the hollow nostril, rushing into my bloodstream. The music becomes muffled, jaw slightly clenches. A deep inhale held at the cusp of lung capacity. Breath. I lick my lips and smile ear to ear. Fantastic.
That was New year’s 2016/17, as I sat there with my friends feeling one hundred and ten percent as nothing was improbable, everything possible. At the beginning of a new chapter, on the verge of a new era. This was my year. I knew it, I could see it without a doubt. I would achieve everything I’d set out to do this year, I would walk on the moon if that was part of the plan. Nothing could stand in my way. I was soon to find out that wasn’t the case. Almost instantly my dreams for the year fell from the clouds smashing on impact as they plummeted to the ground. I had planned to move into a house with my friend, which fell through, sending all my other plans into turmoil as to my own flaw I had centered everything around this move. I saw everything falling into place once I had this part of my life nailed down. Because of that, I was still working a dead-end job that added no value to my passion or any meaning to my life. I was going through the motions, happiness, and enjoyment draining from my life, drip by drip. A steady flow leaving each passing day. I had no direction. Lost in the mist, arms stretched out wading through searching for something I should have already had. So of course, when the opportunity came around again to take ecstasy, I was up for it. Couldn’t turn it down.
For those of you that don’t know, MDMA and ecstasy send large amounts of serotonin to your brain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that affects love, memory, appetite, and learning. On the substances, you have an intense experience of empathy, you feel euphoric and have a sudden urge to communicate with others. People refer to it as the “Love Buzz”. The experience usually lasts 3-8 hours. Each new experience I had on ecstasy or MDMA grew my love for them, they filled my happiness and fuelled my passion at least for a period anyway. They gave me everything I need and more than they promised. Any night out, I dropped a pill or snorted a rock. I was becoming immersed in the culture, loving every minute of it. Making new friends, forging new relationships and solidifying bonds with brothers.
“I just want to try the experience, one and done” my friend reminds me of that each time I take one now. They’d half-joke that I am addicted; I’d say it was a habit. They weren’t causing a problem. Once they began to affect me I’d stop. I could see myself becoming an addict and have a negative impact on my life because I had a fascination with drugs. “Fascination” gives me a slight chill when I think about it. Interested in where they could take you. A higher consciousness, a new way of perceiving reality, the potential they could unlock within you was unimaginable to me. Living my dreams. MDMA and ecstasy weren’t the substances that I thought could do that. However, that’s what I had and I did find something, at least a part of something I was searching for. I found me. Feeling like a million gold bars because of it. I could express and decompress. It gave wings to my heart and mind and a charm to my sadness. At this moment in my life, I needed something that could shine a ray of light, no matter how small and limited. I was trying to replicate the feelings of that New year’s night and nothing other than MDM/ ecstasy could do that for me, which always brings me back.
The problems then began to arise when I had no drive or ambition. Moving from one dead-end job to another, going backward. I’d try to write something, anything, I didn’t care as long as I could materialize. My mind was cloudy and blurred, not blocked. I had ideas and half where to start. Putting pen to paper was the struggle. My concentration and attention were off balance. I felt more creative, my ideas began to jump out of the box and circle it, although it didn’t matter if I couldn’t produce something from it. I was also in denial about my “habit”; when I was thinking all day about getting it into my system. It reached the stage where it wasn’t just in the clubs I would take something. Laying in bed listening to music I’d pop a pill. Sober yoke. Whole new level of intensity. Justifying it was easy, I’d say that I have a long hard period in work. Utter nonsense. Then I’d lay there completely weightless as my cares drifted into the cosmos and I could just enjoy being. I go out now and one is not near enough. 2,3, more and then I’m flying high on life. If I was the only person in the crowd off my face, I couldn’t care, I was having a great time and that’s all that mattered. Living for moment to moment, needing the next more and more. That was when I had to become honest with myself. That I was addicted to these substances. Day to day I didn’t need them but to get through life I did. My friend once told me it wasn’t the drugs I was addicted to but my need to escape reality.
I don’t blame the drugs; most people would hear the word drugs and jump on the negative bandwagon. I blame myself because I was unable to have a healthy working relationship with them. I know people who get up in the morning with a smile on their face, go out and achieve their goals, be a benefit to society and the sniff a gram of coke at night. They have a good balance with their relationship. I also know people who dedicate their existence to the buzz, they’ll do anything for it. The type of people who you find in a skip because they have nowhere else to get their fix. Most people reading this will think it’s stupid, what am I crying for. That this isn’t that bad, there are people much worse. I know that. However, it was bad enough for me. It was bad enough for me to say no this not how I want to live my life. I don’t want to hit rock bottom, this was far enough.
I was searching for the meaning in my life, I thought drugs would help unshackle the potential within me and provide access to a higher me. The substances that infatuated me did not have the ability to do so. I wouldn’t tell someone that they needed to try drugs, I don’t recommend it but drugs can be used as part of a process to find yourself. I learned many valuable lessons whilst on drugs that I will continue to use to keep me on the new path. Drugs have become a huge part of our society and I believe they will continue to, so if you want to have a healthy relationship making them work for you and not against; then you need to be confident in yourself and be honest with yourself. Have attainable goals and far out dreams driving you every day to fulfill them. Fill your life with exceptional experiences and people that fill you full of euphoria and love, so that your only feeling of happiness doesn’t come from a pill.