Tell me this,
Do you take care of something you dislike?
Now I don’t mean the petty things that frustrate you such as when someone tells you to calm down, when you are perfectly calm or paying for haircuts you end up hating. When I say “dislike” I mean it makes your blood boil from the sight of it, your stomach churns in disgust. Since I’ve clarified that;
Do you take care of something you dislike?
No? I thought so, most people wouldn’t. It would be avoided at all cost; your precious time would not be wasted on it. Shunning it to a far corner to fester. The things we take care of hold some sort of value. Whether that be monetary or sentimental. We invest our time and energy in their preservation. Hiding our prized possessions in secret safe places, looking over our shoulders each time we sneak off to admire them. Cherishing them with each breath. Tenderly clutching them tight to your chest. We wouldn’t allow harm to come to them, laying down our lives if needs be. They evoke emotions deep within us like when we pick up that raggedy doll you had as a kid or when you look at your diploma specially framed on the wall. Representing times in our lives of happiness, love and often in some cases accomplishment.
Although what happens when that something you dislike is yourself? What do you do then?
You don’t jump out of bed in the morning full of enthusiasm and energy ready to get the world. You don’t run into the shower, brush your teeth, have a good healthy breakfast or hit the gym before going to a job you love. Quite the opposite in fact;
You lay beneath your sheets, protected, staying for as long as possible before being forced to deal with the day. Reluctantly rolling out of bed once you have convinced yourself it is safe, for the time being, to do so. You don’t look in the mirror, oh no you avert your eyes to avoid its fixed gaze. There’s no need to reinforce what you already know. Health and hygiene? Almost non-existent. You shower when you need to, an event or occasion otherwise there is no point. You have something small for breakfast. You don’t eat as much anymore, there’s no need to. Your friends are everything, you’d do anything for them but you don’t socialize. They call you to make plans, will we see you soon they say but you say, “No sorry can’t I’m working” Eventually when you do see them, you hide it, hide it all, stuff it in a drawer choking out its screams. They know you’ve been bad in the past, for sure they were right there with you. Now they think you’re solid- not their fault; Yours. Day in day out you spend all your time at a mundane job that will have you going nowhere in life as it confines you to your comfort zone because that’s all your good for. And of course, it doesn’t allow you to develop your love of everything and all creative. You try to add it in as much as you can, every little detail. When it comes to attempting to create, you are uninspired and have no belief in your skills.
When you get home that evening you will face the mirror. Most nights you do this, kind of part of your routine. Standing in front of it you fix its stare giving it permission to unleash its wrath. It smirks with satisfaction. Then it begins barding you, shouting as viciously as it can. You listen soaking all of it in. Truth after truth. You agree with it. Thoughts start swirling around your head, you begin tearing into yourself. The mirror ends its bombardment. When the storm rages through there is a calm that follows but in this calm, you stand lifeless and defeated staring back. Standing there you come to a realization, something you’ve always known. Your existence is pointless. You add nothing to society or are of any benefit to the people around you. What have you ever achieved? Nothing in your entire life. Worthless. That’s the word you use. WORTHLESS. You leave and it starts all again tomorrow.
A continuous cataphoric cycle. It took me a long time to realize that. Everything I did keep me in a negative downward spiral. I hated myself so I didn’t take care of myself and because I didn’t take care of myself I began to hate myself more and more. I felt no happiness in my life. Hate and neglect enveloped it, there is only so much of that you can take. I tried to take my life once or twice. Wanting just to end it all. My life was lived by the wrong philosophy that I didn’t need everything to be ok, just moments, I’d suffer through the rest. The suffering became overwhelming and the moments one in forever.
I don’t have a full proof method on how to love yourself and to be happy, I can leave you with something that will begin the process. Watching a YouTube video one day I heard a phrase that gave me an entirely new perspective- Your HEALTH is your WEALTH. No matter the day I was having as long as I got up showered, brushed my teeth, ate right, made sure my physical health was priority number 1 then the days began to shine a little brighter. Look good, feel good became my motto. Although I had waited too long as the problems with my health built up I was rushing to stop them in their tracks. I started a new cycle, developed rituals and routines that continuously put me in a position to love myself and become better day after day. Whatever your process may be stick with it. The process is what helps, it works, although if it becomes stale or stagnant mix it up. Try something new but never digress. There has been dozens of times when I have fallen from the process for a few days but I’ve always gone back to it. Once you see your process begin to take charge, changes, however, small begin then you won’t fall off as much. You will be firmly attached to it, doing everything that must be done to stay in it. Have in the front of your mind “make the rest of my life the best of my life” and you should keep moving forward. Now when I stare at the mirror, it adverts my gaze for it is terrified of the positive energy I besiege it with.
Do you take care of something you dislike? No, you don’t;
However, you should take care of something you love.