Not sure where to begin
Have always found that line to be cliqued. That’s its become overused, an idiot-proof sentence for anyone to use whatever there writing ability may be. However, I find it appropriate for the state that I’m currently in. Not sure where to begin; I haven’t been publishing any articles for some time now, let alone writing any. Not sure why, foolish of me as this is my only platform- an opportunity I was given that I’ve begun to waste. Every Monday morning a reminder pops up on my phone, telling me to publish an article. Big black letters flashing for an hour “Good Quote publish”. Having not turned it off after all this time, each week I watch as it appears on my phone. Each week I blatantly ignore it. Tormenting myself by letting it appear. Knowing full well that I should, purposely choosing not too. Consequences of this, are mediocrity and disappointment.The voices in my head that roam ungoverned make me well aware of how I’m not good enough. How there is no point in putting my content out there as it will be ridiculed and critiqued. Focus on the negative and you will be safe they tell me. Staring at the number of views I got on my previous posts, the majority of them being me. Checking over and over again, expecting a like or comment. Hoping that one person would appreciate it. Racking my brain as to why finding flaws in my writing to hate it even more. Having no confidence in myself I turned away from this forum. Only falling further into the rabbit hole.
Struggling for a while now with who I really am and what I want in life. The image I want to portray and the goals I want to achieve is far from reality. I let myself be silenced by other people and the voices that grab hold of any bad remarks made. Reaffirming it in my own mind. Not wearing certain clothes because some will say something, making me dislike my style. Not talking about my writing or anything at all creative because people don’t understand why I would like that, kind of weird and unmanly. I’ve inadvertently allowed others to shape me, listening to them for all these years. Molding into a person who would be liked by the masses rather than a person that I like, more importantly, love. Desperately wanting to be that person lately. Having created a shell for myself in recent years, I’m slowly breaking it down. Shedding the fabricated the skin that I walk around in. Trying to get comfortable in my own skin. This discontent with life is only fueled by not knowing what I want in life. No clear vision to take me past the pain. I imagine a happy place, fluffy white clouds that make me feel weightless. That’s not a definitive place, more of how I want to feel when I get there. I say I want to achieve something, as I’ve never done anything of the sort, anything. I even have a celebratory cigar for when I do. All these dreams and ideas that push and pull me different directions, confusing me when I try to make an educated decision. Whatever I come up with is pointless as I don’t even bother to work on it. Being stuck is my excuse. Stuck nowhere. Not knowing whats on the other side of the mist is not a reason not to wade through it. Understanding that as long as I begin the journey I will end up somewhere, rather than laying in bed wondering.
This isn’t much of a literary piece, not quite sure what it is about. Doesn’t do much for you, the reader. Adds nothing to your lives. For me; I think its an attempt to unravel and unscramble the fabrications and justifications for not sharing my writing. I know that I’d be much happier if I did, stopped dwelling in the darkness. You know how they say that flowers and plants will grow towards the light, no matter how small the source is. I have a saying that “I shine towards the darkness”. For quite a while now that’s what I’ve done, sought out the darkness no matter the source. Despair and depression by my side whenever I need them. I know that there is happiness on the other side of the curtain but drawing them open; can’t do that, can’t even take a peak. Never. There’s something inside of me that keeps me from seeing how green the grass is on the other side. Curtains in front of curtains, Doors in front of doors. Getting frustrated at opening door after door. Dead end. Dead end.The process has drained me. Now I stare at a door, not knowing its the last one or a million more behind it. Reluctant and scared to continue. Turning back is not much of an option as I’m pretty low in my life, not rock bottom but I wouldn’t like to be there. From now on whatever door, curtain, obstacle or milestone that stand before me, I will take it in my stride. Striving to overcome it. Not allowing myself to be bogged down by the minuscule. Attacking opportunities as if they were to be my last. I told myself that when I first got welcomed into the Good Quote team that I would not let it slip, that getting it wasn’t the important thing. It was maintaining it. I hit the first hurdle, potentially stumbling, dragging my battered body over it. I would certainly stop at the next. Not even attempt it.
They that pain is only temporary, that it too shall pass. Always looked to that for hope, that I won’t stay in my current situation forever and I won’t. But, if I keep going as I am I will be stuck here forever. Or possibly get much worse. Pain will be permanent. I just had one of the most challenging years of my life. My issues are no longer a deep seeded one that I cant get over, I’ve turned it into little ones that I’ve neglected and let pile up. Blatantly ignoring them. I refuse to maintain this course. I’m not going to focus on the huge thing that will get me there in one move, haven’t been able to find one that will so far.I’ll never master the big ones if I have no concern for the little ones. Waiting for new years 2017, I was filled with hope and expectations. Expectations that didn’t come true, letting myself down, that pushed me down my dark road. I’d tried many times over the year to get back on track. Derailing every time. This year; 2018. I am filled with hope, no expectations, I’m going to work hard no matter what appears in my way. Better choices, little things and being me. That’s what I want to get out of this year, I aim to do so. From here on out I’m upholding my commitment to this website and myself, I will great efforts to publish the best of my ability and to achieve my goals.
Not sure where to begin I’ll take a leaf out of the flowers book for now; Grow towards the light, no matter how small the source may be.